The Pieces of You: Understanding Trauma and the Self
This guide is here to help you understand how trauma can affect your sense of self, emotions, and behaviours. Many clients find it hard to put into words what they’ve experienced or why they feel the way they do — this metaphor offers a way to begin making sense of that.
What Is Trauma, Really?
Trauma is a word many of us are now familiar with. It’s part of our mainstream language in a way that would have been unthinkable a generation ago. But what is trauma — and how does it shape who we become?
The Broken Vase: A Metaphor for the Self
Imagine you are a vase. You can be any colour, shape, size, or pattern. The vase is uniquely you.
Now imagine that one day, that vase is knocked off a table or shelf, and it shatters. Depending on the height and force of the fall — and the surface it lands on — it may break into a few large pieces that can be glued back together, or it may smash into tiny fragments that feel impossible to repair. If you’ve ever broken a glass, you’ll know how small shards can show up weeks later in unexpected places.
That vase has suffered a trauma. Just as a broken leg is a physical trauma, your psyche — your mind and spirit — can also break. Depending on the force of the blow and how far you fall, your inner self can be left in scattered pieces.
Big “T” and Small “t” Trauma
Some traumas are clear-cut and widely recognised. These are what we call Big “T” traumas — singular, life-altering events such as natural disasters, violent attacks, or the sudden loss of a loved one. They are obvious breaks in the structure of our lives.
But not all trauma looks like this.
Some are quieter and harder to name. These are small “t” traumas — subtle, chronic experiences that often occur in childhood, before we’re fully conscious of what’s happening. These are the moments that quietly broke us. They often unfold in environments that were meant to be safe and nurturing: family, home, school.
When trauma happens in relationships, it tends to repeat. We don’t always realise it’s harmed us, because we were told it wasn’t a big deal, that we were too sensitive, or — most commonly — it was never spoken about at all. It became the background noise of our everyday lives.
So we suppress the experience, along with the feelings attached to it. Over time, we begin to build a sense of self around the trauma.
Losing Ourselves in the Pieces
Unlike isolated events, relational trauma often happens over and over again. Each time our vase smashes, it breaks into smaller and smaller pieces. Eventually, those pieces become tangled with parts of other people’s vases — parents, siblings, teachers, partners.
When we finally try to put ourselves back together, we may find that some pieces don’t even belong to us. Others may be missing — taken to fix someone else or held back because they were deemed too much, too messy, or too shameful.
Even if we look whole on the outside, we can carry the deep, unsettling feeling that something’s not quite right. That we’re not fully ourselves. That something is missing, out of place, or never truly ours to begin with.
We may feel uncomfortable in our own bodies. Our internal voice becomes relentlessly noisy, self-critical, or confusing.
Trauma Responses Don’t Always Look Like Pain
Trauma doesn’t always present as panic, sadness, or flashbacks. It can show up as:
Perfectionism
People-pleasing
Over-intellectualising
Addictions or emotional numbing
Avoidance of intimacy
Feeling “too much” or never enough
These are not personality flaws — they are adaptive strategies. They are the ways we’ve learned to protect the broken parts of the vase.
The Inner Conflict: “Why Am I Like This?”
You may wonder:
Why do I have such determination and control in one area of my life, but feel completely lost in another?
Why do I like who I am in some spaces — yet feel ashamed, small, or unworthy in others?
Why do I behave in ways that contradict how I truly feel?
This is what trauma does. It fractures our internal world. It creates a push-pull dynamic within us — between our desire for connection and our need to feel safe.
Healing in Relationship
Trauma isn’t just emotional — it reshapes how the brain and nervous system respond to the world. Many of us stay in fight-or-flight mode long after the original experience has passed. Others shut down entirely as a form of protection.
But healing is possible.
When we begin the work of looking closely — of gently examining the pieces — we can start to sort what is truly ours from what was never meant to be carried. This process isn’t about returning to who we were before the break. It’s about becoming something new: whole, resilient, and authentically ourselves.
Trauma often happens in relationship — and so does healing. Especially when we are met with presence, care, and someone who can walk alongside us as we remember who we were before the breaking.
Becoming Whole Again
Healing begins with awareness — noticing what hurts and why. From there, we learn to create safety in the body, develop self-compassion, and form relationships that support our healing. Over time, the vase becomes something even more meaningful than before — not perfect, but integrated. Not untouched, but beautifully whole.
Every step taken toward self-awareness, every moment of tenderness toward yourself, is a step toward becoming who you’ve always been beneath the pain.
Reflective Prompts
Where do I feel like parts of me are missing or don’t belong to me?
What relationships or environments have shaped the way I see myself?
What emotions or memories have I been told are “not a big deal”?
What would it mean to begin healing with compassion, not shame?
Final Note
Understanding who we are takes time, patience, and a genuine desire to hear ourselves. Beneath the layers of protection lies the true self — the version of you that has always deserved to be seen, known, and loved.
If this resonates and you’re ready to begin sorting through your pieces, relational therapy offers a compassionate, steady space for that work.
